Because driving techniques and manners in Limavady are different from anywhere else on the planet, we present a rough and ready guide for the visiting motorist. Hopefully it will reduce the culture shock often suffered by newcomers to our busy streets and go some way towards explaining local peculiarities. We would love to hear from any survivors.

• When you turn off a road never use indicators because this only confuses other drivers and gives them no scope for guessing your next unexpected move. However, if you want to drive straight on, you must indicate - any direction will do. This will teach others a valuable lesson and hone the reflexes of uninjured pedestrians.  
  

• Always park your car in areas clearly marked with two parallel yellow lines. If at all possible double park, particularly in corners. The roads in our town are far too wide and hence should be blocked more often. If all else fails, park across an entry; this is obligatory when you can block access to builder's skips.
   
  

• When parking in a creative way you must under no circumstances forget the quaint local custom of leaving one's emergency lights flashing whilst abandoning one's car. This earns admiring glances from everyone and lets the police know that one had no other choice.  
  

• If there are no pretty yellow lines to be seen it is customary to park right across the nearest available pedestrian crossing. This will make it impossible for all but birds to cross the road safely, but most pedestrians will enjoy the thrill and are in need of extra exercise anyway. Your fellow drivers are sure to appreciate the moving targets.
  

• Often, whilst cruising the centre of town, you will meet friendly natives doing the same thing. You should not shout out to them from your moving vehicle because this is dangerous. It is much safer for all concerned to stop the cars in the middle of the road and have a good long chat via the open windows. Other drivers will appreciate your concern for their safety and wait patiently. They also get a welcome opportunity to test their horns.  
  

• Small roundabouts are difficult things to navigate and can be very confusing. It is generally best just to ignore them and drive right across the open space as fast as possible.  
  

• When approaching a pedestrian crossing, ignore the red traffic light and drive slightly faster. The time allocated for pedestrians to cross the road is far too short. Winging a few sluggish old ladies will draw welcome attention to this fact.  
  

• Sometimes there are lurking pedestrians at the side of the road who look at you apprehensively. Give them an encouraging smile or nod and pounce the moment they start crossing. Once they are out of hospital and have had some psychiatric advice, they will appreciate your wicked sense of humour.  
  

• The kerb around the Connell Street car park is very high and there are only two or three shopping trolley ramps. You must park your car across one of those if at all possible. This saves you money and prevents customers from shopping in Market Street - a welcome boon to 'Out of Centre Traders'.  
  

• If you are pulling a trailer, make sure that you do not tie the load down and be certain to let it stick out as far as possible. This will remind short sighted drivers to see their optician and make Howard Caskie and/or Desmond Thompson very happy.  
  

• If your conscience forbids you to park at a double yellow line, just park your car across the footpath - anywhere will do. Not only is this very convenient but it also reminds the town planners that cars must always come first.
  

• In the unlikely event that you would ever want to leave our lovely town please remember that the centre-of-town exit to the new bypass is not really a road but a giant car park. Should you drive one of these big monsters, just dump it across the road. People will understand.